Decomposition of a Pretentious Artist's Ex-Girlfriend

10/24/24

[…] Anyways later I watched Arrested Development with [RECDACTED] and he accidentally said I love you because before I sat down to watch it with him I pulled KitKats out of my back pocket and he got excited. […] He’s explained that he doesn't mean it yet, whatever that means.

11/14/24

[…] sooner or later he is going to find out that as long as I’m depressed he won’t get to know the me who’s interesting and funny, my higher self, and I fucking hate that because if I was doing okay I think he would really like me for who I am but right now I don’t have the energy to show him who that is. I don’t have the energy to show anyone or anything who that is because I’m not myself right now. It’s so frustrating. I found someone amazing and despite it I’m drowning and that might scare him. He shouldn’t have to deal with it. I know I’m smart I know I have drive, but I can’t seem to reach deeply enough to pull that out right now. My arm is too short, the tendons in my wrist would snap, for some reason or other I can’t do it. All I have are excuses. Maybe this really is just me.

I feel useless. I just want to feel like the old me again. I didn’t come this far just to get this far and then kill myself. That’s not how it’s supposed to go, I don’t even want to die.

I want to live and be happy and I do have hope that I will be whenever whatever falls into place for that to happen, and I know happiness is choice, it’s just not a choice I can make when vodka and sleeping is so much easier.

I don’t know if I’ll ever generally feel okay with living, and that’s okay — because the odds of me not finding beauty in life again in the decades left that I have to live are slim to none.

I have a grain of faith that my brain and the universe will hold hands to show me joy again one day. I just think they should invent a kitchen knife that doesn’t whisper to you.

12/31/24

It’s the last day of the same year that I may have ever felt loved ever again! […] He seems so disinterested lately and I think him getting to know my anxious tendencies and seeing that bout of depression has been gradually driving him away. Have I spent up all of what’s best about us already? Has the peak of our romance passed by? It looks like whatever charm or novelty there is to me has worn off on him. It’s possible he never did truly love me. I don’t know, he just gives me this really persistent impression of confusion and uncertainty regarding everything he does with his life. He seems to just go with things as they happen to him as long as it doesn’t impede on his solitude. I think it’s similar to how I just kind of make decisions based on emotion as I go day by day as long as they enable my right to anxiety and hysteria on quiet nights. I’m not looking forward to the possibility of him never loving me and going on with life and moving on because part of me really is in love with [REDACTED]. He’s special. But then again everything is special to me. I wish it wasn’t.

6/23/25

Sometimes I get this intuitive feeling that I’m not the type of girl [REDACTED] wants at 20. He’s very self-indulgent and self-involved, I don’t know what to do about any issues I have because I really do love him and who he is regardless of his flaws or shortcomings; I’d do much more of what I want to do if I was single and I realize that’s crucial to how happy I’ll be in the future. It’s just a difficult move to make. I tell him what I want from him as a partner for my own peace of mind, that he really does love me, and it’s like he can’t help himself; I have to beg him to take us to dinner, he says he will, then he disappoints me. “I don’t want to go out,” “I’m tired,” I’m tired of being someone you treat like anyone else in your life who’s come and gone. I need proof that I’m special to him and I’ve yet to have it. God bless him but he just doesn’t have the motivation or capacity to impress anyone but himself with his own fucked up idea of a unique underdog of a man. This is terrific as terrific gets.

6/24/25

I CAME TO THE BEACH ALONE TODAY WITH AN INSULATED WATER BOTTLE OF ICE, DIET COKE, AND MALIBU RUM. AFTER BREAKING UP WITH [REDACTED] I FEEL VERY ALONE AND MISS HIM YET I’M FULL OF HOPE — I’M BUZZED, COVERED IN TANNING OIL, AND NOT FAR FROM THE HOT LIFEGUARDS AT TOWER 3. WE HAVEN’T TALKED SINCE MONDAY BECAUSE HE WANTS TIME TO PROCESS. I HOPE HE’S NOT GETTING HIS DICK WET. I STILL WANT HIM, I’M JUST TIRED OF EXCUSING HIS FREQUENT SHITTY ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME AND EVERYONE ELSE, HIS WANT FOR PUSSY AND BITCHES. ITS SO SUNNY — LET’S FOCUS ON THAT. THERE’S A BOAT VERY FAR AWAY LIKE AN INSECT ON THE HORIZON. IF [REDACTED] WERE ON IT I’D SWIM THERE. HAVE TO TAN NOW.

6/9/25

YESTERDAY I GOT REINSTATED AT CAL POLY [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] AND HER MOM WENT UP TOP THE SWEETEST LITTLE HOUSE AND GOT THE LEASE SIGNED, MY MOM IS WILLING TO HELP ME WITH FIRST AND LAST MONTHS RENT, AND GOT ME STARTED WITH THE SECURITY DEPOSIT. I CRIED TEARS OF JOY TODAY AT THOSE TWO BITS OF GOOD NEWS. I GOT REFUNDED FOR THOSE MOBILE APP AD SCAMS I FELL FOR. THE MAN WHO WANTED TO GIVE ME $750 A WEEK AS HIS PEN PAL SUGAR BABY AND SET ME UP WITH A MEETING ABOUT MODELING IN LOS ANGELES TEXTED ME OUT OF THE BLUE. HE WAS A FILM MAJOR AT LMU AND FOR SOME REASON MOVED TO MICHIGAN. HE COMES OUT EARLY AUGUST, NOT SURE WHAT THE DATE IS YET. I HOPE I DON’T GET RAPED.

6/17/25

[REDACTED], [REDACTED] AND I ARE AT BOLSA CHICA BEACH ON TOWELS. IT’S SUNNY BUT COLD. I SLEPT OVER AT [REDACTED]’S LAST NIGHT AND WITH MY SUGGESTION WATCHED THE ENTIRETY OF TOO MUCH. LENA DUNHAM IS A GENIUS. AS WE WATCHED, OVER THE COURSE OF THE NIGHT [REDACTED] REPIERCED MY LOBE SECONDS AND MY HELIX, AND WE DID OUR MAKEUP AND LOOKED THROUGH THE PHOTOS MICHAEL GARAY TOOK OF ME. WE FELL ASLEEP TO HER NOISE MACHINE ON THE COZY RAIN STORM SETTING THAT, TO ME, SOUNDS LIKE A WASHING MACHINE. A MOSQUITO BIT ME ON THE TOE AND I WAS AFRAID SHE HAD A CASE OF APARTMENT BUGS THAT MADE ME DREAD BEDTIME, BUT LUCKILY NO BUGS BOTHERED ME AGAIN OTHER THAN A VERY SMALL FLY, WHO DIDN’T BITE ME. I SLEPT BEAUTIFULLY UNDER [REDACTED]’S LEOPARD PRINT BLANKET AND THIS MORNING SHE TOLD ME ABOUT THE EROTIC TENSION BETWEEN HER AND HER CERAMICS PROFESSOR. WHEN WE GOT HERE TO THE BEACH, DOLPHINS WERE SWIMMING AHEAD OF US IN THE WAVES, AND BEGAN JUMPING IN AND OUT OF THE WATER. I SCREAMED WITH JOY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. BUT IT’S COLD NOW. CATALINA ISLAND IS SO CLEAR FROM RIGHT WHERE WE ARE, STRAIGHT AHEAD. SO MANY SHIPS IN THE WATER. LONG BEACH’S BUILDINGS IN THE DISTANCE UP THE COAST. BEYOND IT, IS [REDACTED]. SOMEWHERE, DOING SOMETHING. WISH I KNEW. SEAGULLS ARE TRILLING ALL AROUND AND THAT MEANS EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. [REDACTED] JUST WENT TO HER CAR TO GET THINGS FOR [REDACTED] AND I TO KEEP US WARM. THESE GIRLS ARE ALL THAT IS SWEET, ART, AND LIGHT. EVERYTHING I AM, AND CAN BE.